Because you can't have depths without surfaces.
Linda Grant, thinking about clothes, books and other matters.

Saturday, 12 January 2008

Revenge: a modest proposal

The Guardian's resident doctor today advises a reader who wishes to take revenge on her no-good cheating ex-boyfriend. Possessing a highly developed imagination, I particularly enjoy revenge fantasies though I have never actually carried one out. Some years ago, when discussing a particularly obnoxious ex with a friend, she told me a story which I am sure is an urban legend, but still, it shows the extent to which human ingenuity can be stretched, and far more satisfying and ethical than bunny-boiling:

Woman's boyfriend cheats on her with best friend, then leaves her, moves in with best friend. Woman finds way of getting into house. She unscrews the knobs at the end of the curtain rod and into the hollow tube she inserts, at regular intervals, several fresh shrimp. The knobs are put back on and quickly the shrimp decay causing a dreadful smell. The couple take the place apart looking for dead rats, cats etc, find nothing. Call in professionals who draw a blank. In despair they move, taking with them the curtain rod.


Glamourpuss said...

I rather like the one about the woman who rubbed fresh chilli onto the insides of every pair of cheating BF's underpants. Then she threw him out.


Jo said...

I'm fond of the idea of a small bit of fiberglass insulation in the rinse cycle of the cheating one's clothes.

Anastasia said...

A woman in Vienna threw a grenade in the parking mercedes of her ex-lovers new girlfriend.
Nobody was injured, but the car was trashed. Extreme, yet an effective way of letting someone know how you feel.

I personally still think the best revenge is to realize that you're better off without him.
And sometimes, sometimes, you get the sweet present of said person wanting you back which will give you the chance to look at him like Marlene Dietrich would and say: "You? A ha ha. No. Now move, you're standing in my sunlight."

mq, cb said...

That's been used in several novels, including a Mary Wesley one (I think) and a Jennifer Crusie one where someone put shrimp underneath the carpet and in all the tiny crevices of the interior of a new car. Even reading about that one was satisfying.

Anastasia is right, though. The best possible revenge is to move on.

enc said...

I've heard of this being done with frozen shrimp, sewn in to the hem of curtains. It seems like this method would stink more effectively, as the shrimps would not be encased in the metal curtain-rod, which would reduce the stenchiness of it, I would think. However, one would have to overlook the sweating of the defrosting shrimp for the plan to be feasible.

I've also heard of it being done underneath wheel-covers, which is far less feasible than the above.

dinazad said...

Friends of mine had once bought some fish before visiting a relative. Not wanting to ask their rather finicky relative for fridge space, they put the packet of fish outside the window (it was a cold day) and promptly forgot it. It got entangled with their "jalousies" and travelled up and down with the blinds for days and weeks while the relatives frantically called in specialist after specialist to remove the terrible smell. Until the day my friends heard of the problem, came for a visit and unobtrusively removed the fish....

polyvinyl said...

I like the one where the aggrieved woman damps down the lover's - much cherished - Persian rug and then scatters mustard and cress seeds on it.

Anonymous said...

Well, I wrote a book about my ex. I think that's a great way - expose them for who they really are...
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
the book by Kent Daniel Glowinski




January 18, 2008 – OTTAWA, CANADA – Today, Canadian lawyer Kent Glowinski, age 29, released his first book “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”.

“Have you ever told a terrible ex that you would write a book about your relationship? This is that book. Rather than burn your bridges with exes, why not blow them to pieces?” stated Glowinski.

Through the over fifty poems set in various locations, including an IKEA store, under a Martha Stewart Duvet Cover, and at a murder-by-knitting-needle scene, Glowinski weaves together the story of a relationship gone horribly wrong - small battles over cups of tea, full-scale wars over an afternoon leek soup.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a book about falling in love with the unlovable: the arrogant, the self-centred and the narcissistic; and speaks not only in terms of the wreckage we leave behind when love implodes, but the different ways we couples communicate: through social class, different upbringings, values, and style of loving one another.

“This is the perfect Valentines day gift for an awful ex,” concluded Glowinski.

More information and book purchase can be made at Book will be in retail outlets/ later in the month.

- 30 -
For more information: